The Age of Power

Ever feel like things are slipping away but you can't seem to understand why? Welcome to my world. You know the basics; I just finished undergrad, I turned twenty 7 months ago and now I'm stuck in limbo trying to move to NYC but not exactly sure when that's going to happen.

I've been dwelling on my quarter life crisis, and it's not as if I really have anything to be in a 'crisis' about. My world is changing and it happens to people every day. I finally got my copy of Communion by bell hooks today and twenty pages in I've realized something: this feeling of powerlessness that I've been dealing with is socialized (SUPRISE: like everything else tied to my 'femininity,' it's not inherent). hooks explains in the first chapter of the book that with age for a lot of women comes a sense of losing power, until they reach mid-life, that's when they start to get it back. I'm not sure why this resonates so well with me, it's not as if I had any intention of giving up my freedom, my freedom just somehow got attached to my adolescence. I'm only twenty years old, but I feel as if somewhere between my dream of wanting to be Editor-in-Chief and the part where I enter the real world and am actually supposed to make my dream happen, I was complicit in the giving up of my power; my brazen, hold no punches attitude. I think to myself, "I've got to get it back" (sounds eerily like one of those middle age women pining for their youth), but the truth is when I read this blog I realize it's still there, I just feel like it's not. So in the words of the late, great princess of R&B, Aaliyah - "age ain't nothing but a number."

That's all she wrote... For Now

Egos & Eros

We all have our egos, and somewhere deep down we'd like to believe that in addition to our own worlds someone else's world revolves around us too. Friendships go awry when we take our egos and our selfishness to higher levels than our secret thoughts. For the egomaniac friends, those of us who keep our self-adoration secret are supposed to keep up to date on what's happening in their lives, every minute detail. When we don't we're considered bad friends, being charged with failure on the friendship front can sometimes sting us. It's that failure that proves that the little egomaniac inside that we thought we had hidden well enough is showing its rather ugly head. Here's the reality check though, or else they've got the stalker mentality that has been fed by twitter and facebook, or you're a celebrity, no one is following your every move, and no one checks your status updates religiously to figure out every detail of your life. At the hands of this revelation the size of your ego should shrink back to a size that is easy to mask.

That's all she wrote... For Now

Sentimentality

(image courtesy of ghopper99 from deviantart.com)

I'm a sentimental person and if I didn't know it before moving after living in Canada for almost ten years of my life showed me that loud and clear. I saved the label from the wine bottle my Aunt got me for my 19th birthday. I would have saved the bottle but I had to cut a few things when I was trying to fit every detail of my 20 years of existence into a limited set of boxes. I've kept a million and one memory boxes with God knows how many ticket stubs, notes and photo booth strips and sorting through them was no joke. I wonder how much of my life has been wasted on my sentimentality, I've kept the new years resolutions my friends and I made on the leftover wrapping paper I had lying around in my first year of high school, reading those reminds me of how pathetic my adolescent life was. I was resolute to be happy and tell the man I 'loved' how I really felt, while my friends resolutions read something to the effect of "have a boyfriend." At least I can say that I've changed now, I know what makes me happy beyond the company of another person and I'm determined to achieve my goals, goals that are worthwhile. As for right now as I stew at home I'm determined to make the most of my freelance work, do a little more soul searching and find myself a job as an Editorial Assistant.

That's all she wrote...For Now

Let It Be

(image courtesy of sixstring on deviantart.com)

Now that my friends and I have all either graduated or are on the brink of graduation the topic of conversation has shifted from school to 'life.' Since I moved to the US my friends in Canada that have been checking up on me have all managed to ask me about the 'American Guys.' I figured that after knowing me fairly well all these people would remember that I'd rather sit home and read a book than go out trolling for men, not to mention the fact that since I'm rather opposed to gender ideals in society the likelihood of any man accepting me for me with all my so-called 'crazy feminist beliefs' is rather slim.

I believe my friends have a bet going behind my back (not so secret) exactly how long it'll take me to get married. While some believe I'm going to get married before any of them others take me at my word and believe me when I say that marriage just isn't for me. At least not the union that society calls marriage. My friends always tell me my problem is that I won't let a man be a man, but the real question is "why do these men feel the need to be what society tells them men are?" and "why can't men let me be the woman that I am?"

That's all she wrote... For Now

I'm NOT a G

(image courtesy of mimblewimble on deviantart.com)

Today I failed my G driving test. The horror that rushed through my veins when the examiner announced that there are a few things I'll need to correct before I'll be able to pass the test made my blood cold. I was nervous, and I'd like to say something like "she failed me for the sake of failing me," or that "I was cheated" (at least then it wasn't something I did), but I can't, instead I'll concede I let my nerves get the best of me and now I've got to pay for it. That by no means means that I am okay with my recent failure, I'm actually extremely disappointed (hence the need to express myself in blog form). In the way that only I can, I have poured over the evaluation sheet reading her comments and the scoring sheet repeatedly wondering when I did or didn't do something right. I have to wait about a month to go for my test again because everybody and their sister and bother seems to want to go for their test in the summer months. I guess this is my penance for passing my G1 and G2 tests on my first tries. I don't like to ponder failure, I would much rather ponder my successes, too bad this is the real world and failure comes more often than success here. I hope I pass next time is all I can say. On another note I was honored at a ceremony this week for my student initiative, to be exact I received the Albert Lager Prize for Student Initiative Award from the McMaster University Alumni Association. I think that makes up for the $75 I just blew while failing my G test.

That's all she wrote...For Now

The Mountains I'll Climb

(Rasta Vybz by Laura Fung)

I wonder sometimes if being a year ahead and graduating at the age of twenty is a disadvantage in more ways than it is an advantage. I look around and I see websites like Ed2010.com offering happy hour networking events as such, but the fact that I have yet to reach the ripe age of 21 seems to be more of a road block in instances like these. I'm still on the job hunt, and while I know practically everyone graduating in 2010 feels the same way, especially my fellow humanities or liberal arts majors looking for jobs in the publishing industry. I've been freelancing for a couple of weeks and I wonder how much longer I'll have to do it. Freelancing is something I'm sure I'd like doing for a little extra cash, but I'm wondering if I'd ever want to depend on myself hunting down jobs and pitching articles for my livelihood. I suppose freelancing is very good training for me and that I'd better start looking for some other freelancing opportunities and pitching to different magazines. I've got a lot to learn, and by no means is the daunting job hunt that I've been dealing with for the last month deterring my determination to conquer the publishing industry. I just have to find an EA (editorial assistant) job first! Wish me luck. I've applied for over 40 jobs and even though my ego gets stung each time I don't hear anything back I have to be as persistent as pesky gray hairs.

That's all she wrote...For Now